THE COURTSHIP OF JUANITA

by

Burk Lardeau

CHARACTERS:

Argyle: a lad of sixteen years of age, short and clumsy

Frank: Argyle’s best friend, lanky and casual

Mayor Glen: the mayor of Snogville

Juanita: daughter of Glen, the object of Argyle’s affection

SETTING:

The back yard of Mayor Glen’s large two-story home. On the second story, the house boasts two large neighboring balconies on the rear. A large vine snakes up the house between the two. Clumps of bushes cover the foot of the house, trees frame it in the middle of the stage.

TIME:

Autumn, present day.

IT IS EVENING. MAYOR GLEN’S STATELY HOME SITS BETWEEN COLORFUL BOOKENDS OF LEAVES AND BRANCHES. AS THE WIND RUSTLES THE TREES, ARGYLE GOONTER AND HIS BEST FRIEND FRANK BONE ENTER THE BACK YARD AT THE LEFT OF THE HOUSE. THEY ARE TAKING A SHORTCUT ON THEIR WAY HOME. ARGYLE IS SHORT AND AWKWARD, BUT HIS DETERMINED STRIDE SETS THE PACE FOR FRANK, WHO STROLLS WITH HIS HANDS IN HIS POCKETS. THEY STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE YARD.

ARGYLE: It’s been another successful evening, Frank.

FRANK: Sure has. Always is.

ARGYLE: You’re so right. (beat) Frank, don’t you think there’s more to life?

FRANK: What are you talking about?

ARGYLE BEGINS PACING BACK AND FORTH, THOUGHTFULLY.

ARGYLE: I mean…there’s more out there to do! To experience. Tell me, what do we do every night?

FRANK: (with pride) We steal fire hydrants and throw them in the river.

ARGYLE: Yes! Exactly!

FRANK: Sometimes we start fires at the VFW!

ARGYLE: I know! I know! Magnificent! But there’s more!

FRANK: (puzzled) How could there be any more?

ARGYLE GRABS FRANK BY HIS SHIRT COLLAR.

ARGYLE: There’s romance, Frank! There’s love! Pain! Tragedy! We’re just beginning to open our eyes to the possibilities!

FRANK: Where are you going to find romance, Argyle?

ARGYLE TAKES FRANK BY THE ARM AND THEY TURN TO FACE REAR OF THE HOUSE.

ARGYLE: Right here, my friend! See that balcony? (he points to the balcony on the left) That is where the love of my life comes out to see the heavens every night!

FRANK TURNS AND JERKS HIS THUMB BACK AT THE HOUSE.

FRANK: That’s Mayor Glen’s house.

ARGYLE: Have you met his daughter, Juanita?

FRANK: Of course. Just last week she told me I was a worm.

ARGYLE: And right she should have. You can be a conniving little rat when you really want to.

FRANK: So what are you going to do?

ARGYLE: Look at this.

ARGYLE PULLS A FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS POCKET.

ARGYLE: I wrote a love poem for her. I’m going to climb up there and read it to her.

FRANK: How romantic.

ARGYLE: I couldn’t have it any other way.

FRANK: Have you ever talked to her?

ARGYLE: Never.

FRANK: That doesn’t strike you as odd?

ARGYLE: Should it?

FRANK STARES AT ARGYLE, UNSURE OF WHAT TO SAY.

ARGYLE: Frank, I think I’m in love.

FRANK: That’s nice. I’ll just wait down here.

ARGYLE RUNS TO THE FOOT OF THE HOME. HE STARES UP AT THE BALCONY, THEN CAREFULLY BEGINS TO CLIMB UPWARDS. HE STRUGGLES TO FIND HANDHOLDS, AND SLIPS FREQUENTLY. FINALLY HE REACHES THE BALCONY AND SWINGS UP OVER THE RAILING. ON THE BALCONY, MAYOR GLEN, BRANDISHING A SHOTGUN, STANDS NEXT TO A SPIT WHERE HE IS ROASTING A WHOLE PIG. HE HOLDS UP A FORK WITH A PIECE OF MEAT ON THE END.

GLEN: Good day, son. Pork?

ARGYLE: No, sir. Your daughter.

GLEN: She is on the next balcony over.

ARGYLE: So sorry, sir. Thank you.

GLEN: Oh, no problem. You’re very welcome.

ARGYLE BEGINS LOWERING HIMSELF OVER THE RAILING.

GLEN: Good day to you, son!

ARGYLE: And a fine day to you, too, sir-ugh!

ARGYLE SLIPS AND LANDS IN A BUSH. GLEN PEERS OVER THE RAILING.

GLEN: OK, then?

ARGYLE: Oh, yes. Thank you.

GLEN: Next balcony over.

ARGYLE: Yes, yes. Thank you.

ARGYLE CLIMBS OUT OF THE BUSH AND STANDS NEXT TO FRANK.

FRANK: That was fast. How did it go?

ARGYLE: That was the wrong balcony.

FRANK: Bummer. You gonna try the other one?

ARGYLE: Yes. But this time I think I’ll summon her to the edge. I wouldn’t want to surprise her if she’s not proper.

FRANK: Good thinking. I’ll hide over here.

ARGYLE STROLLS OVER BENEATH THE RIGHT BALCONY. HE PICKS UP A HANDFUL OF GRAVEL. AS HE PREPARES TO THROW IT, HE PAUSES.

ARGYLE: Ah! Of course!

ARGYLE RUNS OVER TO A NEARBY ROSEBUSH AND TEARS OFF A SINGLE LONG-STEMMED ROSE. FROM THE LEFT BALCONY, MAYOR GLEN WATCHES ARGYLE, STILL HOLDING THE SHOTGUN. ARGYLE WALKS BACK TO THE FOOT OF THE HOUSE, THEN THROWS THE HANDFUL OF GRAVEL UP TO THE BALCONY. IT MAKES A MIGHTY RATTLE.

ARGYLE: Juanita!

THERE IS NO ANSWER. ARGYLE LOOKS OVER TO THE OTHER BALCONY AND SEES MAYOR GLEN, WHO WAVES.

GLEN: Try again!

ARGYLE PICKS UP A SMALL ROCK AND HEAVES IT UPWARDS

THUMP!

JUANITA: Ooff!

JUANITA APPEARS AT THE EDGE OF THE BALCONY, RUBBING HER FOREHEAD. SHE WEARS A WHITE BATHROBE, AND IS VERY BEAUTIFUL.

JUANITA: Who is it that is throwing stones at me?

ARGYLE: It is only the humble messenger of your secret admirer, my lady.

JUANITA: I didn’t know I had such an admirer.

ARGYLE: That’s why it’s called a secret admirer.

JUANITA: Very well. But tell me, why would a secret admirer send someone to throw stones at me?

ARGYLE: For a lady of your beauty, attention is sometimes hard to come by.

JUANITA BLUSHES, THEN QUICKLY REGAINS HER COMPOSURE.

JUANITA: So you have my attention. What do you want?

ARGYLE: I have a love poem for you, my lady. I have been instructed to read it to you.

JUANITA: Very well. Go ahead and read it.

ARGYLE: Would it be too much to ask if I could come up there and read it to you?

JUANITA: Why?

ARGYLE: Well, so I may better bask in your beauty, of course.

JUANITA LOOKS OVER TO HER FATHER, WHO NODS AND WAVES IN APPROVAL.

JUANITA: Fine. I’ll come down and open the door for you.

ARGYLE: No! Don’t move a muscle!

ARGYLE RUNS OVER TO THE HOUSE AND LEAPS UP TOWARDS THE BALCONY. FINDING NO HANDHOLDS, HE FALLS BACK TO THE GROUND. UNDAUNTED, HE BEGINS SCALING THE VINE THAT RUNS UP THE CENTER OF THE HOUSE. HALFWAY UP, HE SLIPS AGAIN, SLIDES DOWN THE VINE, AND CRASHES ON THE GROUND.

JUANITA: Please, let me get the door!

ARGYLE: No! No! I’m fine!

FRANK: (from the bushes) Hey, need help?

ARGYLE: (under his breath) No! Shhh!

ARGYLE TRIES THE VINE AGAIN. SLOWLY BUT SURELY, HE INCHES HIS WAY UP. WITH A MIGHTY HEAVE, HE SPRINGS OVER TO THE BALCONY RAILING, FINDS NO GRIP, AND ONCE AGAIN FINDS HIMSELF ON THE GROUND.

GLEN: You almost had it that time, son.

DETERMINED, ARGYLE LEAPS UP TO THE VINE, SCALES IT, AND SUCCESSFULLY LEAPS TO THE EDGE OF THE BALCONY. JUANITA COMES TO THE EDGE AND HELPS PULL ARGYLE OVER SAFELY.

JUANITA: I hope that my admirer appreciates the efforts of his messenger.

ARGYLE: What? Oh! Yes, certainly!

JUANITA SITS NEXT TO A LARGE LOG THAT IS PROPPED UP IN FRONT OF HER CHAIR. SHE PICKS UP A KNIFE AND BEGINS WHITTLING.

JUANITA: Go ahead.

ARGYLE: What’s that you’re doing?

JUANITA: It’s a hobby of mine. I’m trying to whittle Mt. Rushmore.

SHE TURNS THE LOG TO SHOW HER WORK.

ARGYLE: A beauty and an artist!

MAYOR GLEN HAS SPOTTED FRANK HIDING IN THE BUSHES. HE LEANS OVER HIS RAILING. ARGYLE IS BUSY ADMIRING JUANITA’S HANDIWORK.

GLEN: Pssst!

FRANK LOOKS UP AT MAYOR GLEN, WHO IS HOLDING UP A FORK WITH A PIECE OF MEAT ON IT.

GLEN: (whispers) Pork?

FRANK: (whispers) Sure!

MAYOR GLEN WAVES FOR FRANK TO COME UP. FRANK CLIMBS UP TO THE MAYOR’S BALCONY, RECIEVES A SERVING OF PORK, THEN SITS NEXT TO THE MAYOR TO WATCH ARGYLE. JUANITA IS STILL WHITTLING AS ARGYLE STANDS UNCERTAINLY BEFORE HER.

JUANITA: Tell me more about this admirer of mine.

ARGYLE: Well, he cares for you very dearly.

JUANITA: Do I know him? I mean, have we met before?

ARGYLE: He has been forced to worship you from a distance.

JUANITA STOPS WHITTLING.

JUANITA: How romantic.

ARGYLE: That’s what I said.

JUANITA: Read the poem.

ARGYLE QUICKLY WHIPS THE PAPER FROM HIS POCKET.

ARGYLE: Of course!

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH.

ARGYLE: You just don’t know how long I’ve

Been looking for an angel,

Someone to hold my hand,

Someone that’s true-

I thought that I’d never find her,

Thought I’d die a lonely stranger,

But then just before the bell tolled,

I was saved by you.

GLEN: (aside to Frank) That was pretty good.

FRANK NODS. JUANITA WAVES HER HAND IN FRONT OF HER FACE AS IF FAINT.

JUANITA: That was fantastic!

ARGYLE: Thank you. You can sing it to the tune of "The Gambler."

JUANITA: Oh, fine sir. You cannot keep my admirer’s identity a secret. Please, I must meet him!

ARGYLE: Look no further, my good lady. For your admirer is me.

JUANITA STANDS STILL FOR A MOMENT.

JUANITA: Oh.

GLEN: (to Frank) I thought it was you!

FRANK SHAKES HIS HEAD. ARGYLE THROWS HIMSELF AT JUANITA’S FEET.

ARGYLE: Yes! I can bear it no longer! I cannot hide my love from you for another moment! Every night I come with my friends to wreak havoc on the neighborhood, and every night I am enchanted by you as you come out on your balcony to brush your golden hair.

JUANITA: I see.

ARGYLE: That’s not the half of it! You are my light! My compass! My missing rib!

I must have you!

JUANITA: But you don’t even know me-

ARGYLE: I know you as sure as I know there are stars in the sky! As surely as I know that the earth turns! As surely as I know that a politician is as crooked as-

GLEN: Hey-

ARGYLE: But I digress. Juanita, will you-

ARGYLE’S INVITATION IS INTERRUPTED BY A MIGHTY SHOTGUN BLAST. HORRIFIED, ARGYLE SPINS TO LOOK BACK AT MAYOR GLEN, WHO IS WAVING HIS SHOTGUN IN THE AIR AND LOOKING FRANTICALLY IN THE DIRECTION OF A NEARBY TREE.

GLEN: PIGEONS! BLASTED PIGEONS!

ARGYLE TURNS BACK TO JUANITA.

ARGYLE: Juanita, will you be my baby?

JUANITA CONSIDERS HIM FOR A MOMENT.

JUANITA: Can I get back to you?

ARGYLE: Sure. But don’t call on Saturday nights. Saturday night is meat loaf night.

JUANITA: OK, then.

ARGYLE: Know, then, that I’ll always be yours. Every night you peer up at that magnificent moon in the evening sky, know that I, too, look over you.

ARGYLE SWEEPS JUANITA UP IN HIS ARMS AND PRESSES HIS LIPS PASSIONATELY TO HERS. AS HE LETS GO, JUANITA STEPS BACK IN SHOCK.

ARGYLE: Good evening, my lady.

JUANITA: Where are you going?

ARGYLE: I’m going to go steal some fire hydrants and throw them in the river.

JUANITA: Are you the one that stole our fire hydrant last week ?

ARGYLE: No.

A QUIET PAUSE.

ARGYLE: Farewell, my love!

GLEN: (to Argyle) Good day, son! Sure you don’t want any pork?

ARGYLE: A rain check, my good sir! (to both) Until next time!

ARGYLE FALLS OVER THE RAILING INTO THE BUSHES. FRANK CLIMBS DOWN AND HELPS HIM OUT.

ARGYLE (fervently to Frank) Come, my friend! My mission is accomplished!

THEY RUN ACROSS THE YARD INTO THE NIGHT.

FRANK: (calling after Argyle) You really should try this pork!

END OF PLAY