LOOKIN' FOR A LOYAL MAMA

By Artemis "Big Papa" Jones

Good women are hard to come by these days. It used to be that a woman stayed loyal to her man, like in that song, "Stand by Your Man." Remember that one? By Tammy Wynette? Well, that whole feminist thing must have screwed that all up, cause now all women think about is me, me, me. I mean, I go to jail for like, thirty days and my old lady leaves me. What kind of loyalty is that?

I don't quite know what to do about it, but I know I have a lot of friends that are suffering because of it. My boy Tommy is twenty-two, and he had a girl we thought was real nice. She was pretty and everything. Tommy was good to her, too. He even was patient with her when she told him she couldn't go drinking some nights cause she had homework. Now I know an education is a good thing, but why she couldn't be satisfied with the money Tommy made as a rodeo clown is beyond me. That's a decent living. Anyway, he gets drunk one night and rolls the pickup down a hill outside of town, and she gets like, two cracked ribs. What does she do? Leaves him. Great broad.

My buddy Murray used to drive trucks for a living before he went to jail for smuggling Cuban cigars in out of Mexico. His schedule was real demanding, and he'd be working hard, out on the road, for weeks at a time. But you know what? At least eight out of ten of those weeks he stayed faithful to his woman. Eight! That's eighty percent! My minister says that eighty is about a B- in school. I never got B's in school, cause that meant "above average." Murray is "above average," and his old lady still leaves him. It's enough to make me sick. What do women want?

Lots of women get all mad when we want them to look nice, well sor-ry. Those women on the fashion magazines ain't complaining. What's the big deal if I want my main squeeze to look good while she's making dinner at night? Is multi-tasking that hard?

And that's another thing: cooking. What's so tough about that? I always hear this "slaving over a hot stove" crap. How can you slave with all them appliances of convenience we got today? This last Christmas I got my Momma one of these new can openers that won't let you cut yourself on the lid. When you cut off the top, there ain't no jagged edge on the thing. How'd they pull that off? Why can't they spend more of my tax money on that, I ask ya?

I may sound like a complainer to a lot of you, but I got some things to say, and I just told you. Men and women would get along a lot better if we'd just get a few things straight. Like the cooking and the loyalty and stuff. It ain't hard, ladies, just suck it up and tough it out. It's just like when we men play football. We don't care if our ribs broke, or if we bleedin' somewheres, cause what's important is the team. The team!

Now let's play ball, ladies! Give me a call!