"BE YE CLEAN" NEEDS A GOOD SCRUBBING    by Monte Crisco, Full Moon movie critic    I've seen a lot of crap in my time. "The Medallion" really sucked. So did Norm McDonald's "Dirty Work." I'm embarrassed to admit that I actually caught "Weekend at Bernies II" the weekend it was released. At full price.    "Be Ye Clean" isn't quite as bad as those movies, but it comes close. I haven't been this nauseated in a long time.    "Clean" is the first release from Wally and Bern Pedersen, a local pair that I hear has been trying to pass themselves off as the next coming of the Coen brothers. Lots of luck, boys. At this rate, you guys should catch up to Coen quality shortly after Kobe Bryant gets his "Sportsman of the Year" award from SI.    "Clean" is supposed to be more or less a retelling of the Goldilocks and the Three Bears story, only this time with four twenty-somethings that break into the house of a bunch of Vikings. Instead of eating porridge and trying out beds, these kids listen to CD's, play board games, and wind up watching "Johnny Lingo."    To their credit, the actors in this bomb look like they're at the mercy of the filmmakers. Most of this movie look like it was filmed in one continuous take. The soundtrack is equally erratic, including everything from Frank Sinatra's "My Way" to Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby's Got Back." There's also a bizarre love scene towards the end that's set to, of all things, the "Love Boat" theme song.    It's obvious that the Pedersen brothers are going for zany comedy here, but there's nothing funny about "Strip Twister," domestic Vikings and "Storytime Billy," a children's show featuring a host with a bad profanity habit. This is the kind of crap that doesn't even deserve to go straight to video, let alone stink up the screens at our local movie theater. Especially when there are other, more talented artists with decent work that deserves to be shown. Work about real issues, work that cost real money.    Just one example: "Me and Alphonse," a new film by Patty Benson. I realize that Patty is my sister, but the fact of the matter is that when faced with a choice between showing a film about juvenile delinquents or a touching drama that painstakingly examines the touching bond between a supreme court justice and her blind chiropractor, you go for the tearjerker. Why anyone would find a film that goes to great length to highlight a shot of a guy in a reflective green shirt eating raw Top Ramen entertaining is beyond me. Why anyone would patronize a movie made by two guys that routinely aim their snowblower at their neighbor's bedroom window early in the morning, even though they know that neighbor has difficulty sleeping due to a chemical balance in his ear cavity that causes him to tip at inopportune social situations is even further beyond me. In my opinion, "Be Ye Clean" needs an enema.