OLEG SHWARTZ ‚AND THE FABULOUS DENTURE HUNT
By
Joshua Alan Terry
CHARACTERS:
Marty: Son of Grandpa Oleg. Tough guy. A chip off the old block, meaning a heartless poacher.
Meg: Marty’s delicate wife. The peacemaker.
Murray: Eldest son of Marty and Meg. Eccentricities are present, but not as apparent as other members of the family.
Phil: Relative of Marty’s through an undetermined line. A weaselish character.
Perry: One of Murray’s brothers, a cowardly follower.
Otto: Marty’s somewhat Pentecostal cousin. Short and animated.
Jacque: A garishly dressed Voodoo priest, conductor of the funeral
Reggie: Black sheep brother of Murray and Perry-the prodigal son
Grandma: Oleg’s widow. Little old lady exterior belies energetic violent behavior when aroused.
Uncle Nigel: Crazed brother of Marty. Even more eccentric than the rest of the family. Of all of the Crocodile Dundee look-alikes in the family, he resembles the role the most.
Wanda: Nigel’s concubine. Wears a red sequined dress that says more than she could ever think to utter.
Grandpa Oleg: The body in the coffin. Oleg was the patriarch of the family. The founder of their poaching tradition and general lawlessness. Has recently died on a ‘hunting’ trip with Gumbo, a family friend.
Detective: The typical Sam Spade detective who has had past experience with the family.
SETTING:
A small chapel in Freeport, Illinois.
TIME:
Spring, present day.
IT IS MID-DAY. THE ROOM IS ARRANGED TO LOOK LIKE A SMALL CHAPEL. THREE MAKESHIFT WALLS SEAL OFF ALL OF THE STAGE BUT THE END FACING THE AUDIENCE. THE WALLS ARE DECORATED WITH FLOWERS AND VARIOUS ANIMAL TROPHY HEADS, MOOSE, DEER, AND RHINOCEROUS. THERE ARE ALSO A PAIR OF ‘WINDOWS’ IN THE WALL ACROSS FROM THE AUDIENCE. STUFFED BEARS, CAMELS, AND GORILLAS DOT THE ROOM. AT THE FAR RIGHT END SITS A PULPIT, IN FRONT OF WHICH SITS A LARGE COFFIN. THE COFFIN LID IS DIVIDED SO IT CAN BE OPENED TO SHOW ONLY THE UPPER HALF OF THE BODY. IT IS CLOSED AT THE MOMENT. FACING THE PULPIT ARE FOUR ROWS OF FOUR CHAIRS. AT STAGE LEFT, MARTY AND HIS WIFE MEG STAND QUIETLY SPEAKING TO THEIR SON, MURRAY.
MEG: It is a lovely day for a funeral, isn’t it?
MARTY: That it is. Glad you could make it, Murray.
MURRAY: I wouldn’t think of missing it. I must apoligize for not bringing flowers.
MEG: Oh, none of those flowers are from us, Murray.
MARTY: They’re from Grandpa’s NRA friends.
MURRAY: Ah. So, Grandmum- she’s dealing with it alright?
MEG: Oh, yes. They had a very nice insurance policy.
MURRAY WALKS OVER TO THE COFFIN AND LIFTS THE LID.
MURRAY: Uncle Nigel told me Grandpa was mauled by a Siberian Tiger.
MEG: (Laughing) Oh, no! Dear. It was only a Leopard. Big one, though.
MARTY: Made a mess o’ Grandpa. But the mortitian fixed him up nice.
MURRAY: Sure did.
MURRAY CLOSES THE LID AND WALKS BACK TO HIS PARENTS.
MURRAY: So, who else is coming?
MEG: Well, Grandmum, of course. Your Uncle Nigel will be here a bit late. He’s supposed to bring his new concubine!
MURRAY: Swell!
MEG: Cousin Otto should be here soon. He’s bringing a friend from the ministry to do the service.
MARTY: From Chicago!
MURRAY: Sounds good. Anyone else?
MEG: Phil’s coming, isn’t he, dear?
MARTY: Yeah.
MURRAY STANDS UNCERTAINLY FOR A MOMENT.
MURRAY: What about my brothers?
MEG: I imagine Perry will come.
MURRAY: What about Reggie? What if he-
MARTY: I don’t want to hear-
MEG: Let’s not talk about it, please? If we start getting all riled up this early, who knows what will happen when the rest of the family gets here. (She turns from the men) You know, just for once I’d like to have a family gathering where no one finishes the evening in jail.
MURRAY: Uncle Nigel was provoking me. It wasn’t my fault. How was I supposed to know it was the Russian diplomat’s bear-
MEG: (whirling around) I don’t care! Let’s just see if we can get through this without attracting the police, alright?
MARTY AND MURRAY STAND IN GUILTY SILENCE. THE UNCOMFORTABLE QUIET IS BROKEN AS PHIL ENTERS THE ROOM ENTHUSIASTICALLY.
PHIL: Hey guys!
MANY WARM EMBRACES.
MARTY: Hey Phil! Glad you could come! Shot anything good lately?
PHIL: Bah! Just squirrels! Buggers were tryin’ to steal me peaches!
MEG: I hate them. Have any trouble getting here?
PHIL: Nah. I called in sick from work. I think I may take a couple extra days, too.
MURRAY: Sometimes these things require a little extra time.
PHIL: Sure do. Plus there’s a hog-tying festival down in L’Erabe this weekend!
MARTY: Can’t miss that.
PERRY ENTERS THE ROOM, SOBBING HYSTERICALLY.
MURRAY: Perry!
PERRY: AUGH! SOB! SOB! WHAH!
PERRY STAGGERS TOWARDS THE GROUP,
SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY.
PERRY: It’s my-UGH-It’s all my-AUGH!
MARTY: Perry! Boy!
MARTY WALKS OVER AND SLAPS PERRY UPSIDE HIS HEAD.
MARTY: Get a hold of yourself, ya twit!
PERRY: But it’s all….my fault!
MEG: What are you talking about?
PERRY: I should have been with him!
MARTY: Why?
PERRY CLEARS HIS THROAT, GRADUALLY GAINING HIS COMPOSURE. PHIL HANDS HIM A GLASS OF LIQUID.
PERRY: Grandpa….he asked me to go-
HE TAKES A DRINK AND QUICKLY SPITS IT OUT.
PERRY: AUGHH! What is this?
PHIL: Robitussin. It’s all I had.
MARTY: You moron.
MARTY SWINGS A RANDOM FIST AT PHIL, WHO DUCKS AND SCOOTS AWAY TOWARDS THE COFFIN.
PHIL: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
PERRY: Grandpa wanted me to go with him. I wasn’t there-now he’s dead!
PERRY FALLS INTO HIS MOTHER’S ARMS.
PHIL: It’s not your fault, Perry. Gumbo went with him.
MEG: Aw, Phil, you know Gumbo’s never been that quick on his feet.
MARTY: Particularly after the lobotomy.
PERRY: I COULD HAVE SAVED HIM!
MEG: There, there, dear.
MURRAY WALKS OVER TO HIS MOTHER AS SHE PATS PERRY’S BACK.
MURRAY: So, uh, what happened to Gumbo?
MEG: (casually) Oh, he died.
MURRAY: When’s his funeral?
MEG: This one is for both of them.
MURRAY: (looking around) Where’s Gumbo’s coffin?
MARTY: Not enough remains.
PHIL: We threw ‘em in together.
PHIL OPENS THE COFFIN AND REMOVES A TIN CAN. HE HANDS IT TO MURRAY.
MURRAY: Not very much left, is there?
PHIL: Nah. Just bits and pieces. Mostly hair.
HE TAKES THE CAN BACK FROM MURRAY AND TOSSES IT BACK IN THE COFFIN. HE SLAMS THE LID.
PERRY: What shall I do!?
MARTY TURNS AND SMACKS PERRY UPSIDE THE HEAD.
MARTY: You can act like a man!
MARTY PULLS HIM AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER AND FORCEFULLY SITS HIM DOWN IN A CHAIR. THE CHAIR COLLAPSES AND BOTH FALL ON THE GROUND.
PERRY: Auuufff!
MARTY GETS UP, PULLS PERRY TO HIS FEET, AND TOSSES HIM AT ANOTHER CHAIR. PERRY HITS THE CHAIR AND HIS MOMENTUM TIPS THE CHAIR AND SENDS HIM TO THE GROUND ONCE AGAIN.
PERRY: My neck!
MARTY: Get up, sit down, and get your head on straight!
PERRY FINALLY SITS SUCCESSFULLY, MUMBLING TO HIMSELF.
MEG: What time is it?
PHIL: We start in about ten minutes.
MARTY’S TIRADE IS CUT OFF AS COUSIN OTTO ENTERS ACCOMPANIED BY JACQUE, A FLAMBOYANTLY DRESSED VOODOO PRIEST.
MURRAY! Cousin Otto! How long has it been?
OTTO: Couldn’t tell ya! Been in a coma!
MURRAY: Oh, I forgot!
OTTO: Yep. Old father time is all kind of a mish mash to me!
MARTY: That the pastor, then?
OTTO: (proudly) This is Reverend Jacque of the Third Holy Anointed Tabernacle of Fire and Deliverance, Chicago, Illinois!
JACQUE: Personne n’est a la maison.
OTTO: He’ll be doing our services.
MEG: Splendid! Have a seat, Reverend. We’re still waiting for a few more.
SHE PULLS UP A CHAIR FOR THE REVEREND.
JACQUE: Une table pour trois, sil vous plait.
MEG: You’re welcome.
SHE STEPS OVER TO OTTO AND TAKES HIS ARM.
MEG: Otto, is this your pastor?
OTTO: No. I found him in the phone book.
MEG: Oh. (to others) Has anyone seen Grandma?
PHIL: (inattentively) She came with me.
MARTY: Where is she?
PHIL: (snapping to attention) Op! I left her in the car!
OTTO: I’ll help you.
OTTO AND PHIL RUN TOWARDS THE DOOR BUT STOP AS REGGIE ENTERS THE ROOM.
OTTO: Reggie!
PHIL: AUGH! Not Reggie!
MEG: Please! He’s family!
PHIL: He’s a fink!
MURRAY: A turncoat.
MARTY: A yellow scoundrel!
MEG: (to Marty) He’s your son!
MARTY: I wish I’d been neutered!
MARTY KICKS AT THE CARPET AND HISSES.
MURRAY: I haven’t heard from him since he joined that eco-terrorist group-
PHIL: The ‘Sons of Shrubbery!’
REGGIE: That’s the one.
MARTY: Unfaithful wretch! My own spawn! To think! After all those years of poachin-
MEG: Hunting!
MARTY: HUNTING together! And he joins the Sons of Shrapnel!
REGGIE: Shrubbery.
PHIL: I can’t believe you came back.
MEG: It’s been ten years.
MARTY GRABS MURRAY BY HIS COLLAR.
MARTY: I shouda shot him! He’s not like you, Murray! He can’t hold a candle to poor Perry either! Uncle Nigel would take him out fishing-
PHIL: -and the girlie would come back with FLOWERS!
MEG SEPARATES MURRAY FROM HIS DISTRAUGHT FATHER, WHO PUTS HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. REGGIE RAISES HIS HAND.
REGGIE: Can I say something-
MEG: Come on, now. Let’s think of Grandpa!
PHIL WALKS OVER TO THE COFFIN.
PHIL: Old bugger’s probably rollin’ in his coffin.
PHIL LIFTS THE LID AND POINTS.
PHIL: YEP!
HE LETS THE LID SLAM DOWN AS HE TURNS BACK TO THE OTHERS.
MARTY: Traitor!
MURRAY AND PERRY RESTRAIN THEIR FATHER.
MEG: Son! Welcome home!
SHE HUGS REGGIE.
REGGIE: Mother, please. Not so tight. My ribs.
MARTY: Your ribs! Your ribs! What about mine, boy? What about my ribs?
REGGIE: (looking at Meg) Is there something wrong with Dad’s ribs?
MEG: No. He’s referring to you tearing his heart out. It’s a metaphor.
REGGIE: It’s not a very good one.
MARTY: Scoundrel! Why did you come back?
REGGIE: I’m here because of Grandpa, of course.
PHIL: What did you ever care about Grandpa!
REGGIE BREAKS AWAY FROM MEG AND STEPS TOWARDS PHIL.
REGGIE: But I’ve also come to-
MARTY: Defile his funeral with your worthless presence!
REGGIE: You never listen! I want to-
MARTY: I don’t want to hear it! If you insist on darkening this doorstep, you’ll do it in silence! None of your eco-propoganda or your-
MEG: Please! Please! Can’t we just set these things aside for now? Reverend, can we start now?
REGGIE SLUMPS INTO A CHAIR, FEIGNING EXAUSTION.
JACQUE: Il nous fait un taxi.
PHIL: Ack! Grandma!
PHIL SMACKS OTTO.
PHIL: Come on!
OTTO AND PHIL RUN OUT OF THE ROOM. REGGIE MOVES NEXT TO THE REVEREND.
REGGIE: Are you my family’s pastor?
JACQUE: Avez-vous une pellicule pour cet appareil?
MARTY: Don’t talk to him, preacher! He’s evil!
THE REVEREND LOOKS AT A STUFFED BISON HEAD MOUNTED ON THE WALL.
JACQUE: Qu’aves-vous a declarer.
MEG: I think I’d better go make sure Grandma is OK.
PERRY APPROACHES THE REVEREND. REGGIE LEANS IN CLOSER.
REGGIE: Father, my family won’t listen, but I’ve come today-
PERRY: Er, excuse me, uh, your holiness?
JACQUE: Je prends la largeur C.
PERRY: I have a question. (pause) Am I going to hell because my Grandpa died?
REGGIE: (incredulous) Perry!
PERRY: I mean, I didn’t go with him. I didn’t kill him, but then again, maybe I did because, you know, he wanted me to come and-
MARTY: What on earth!
PERRY: But Gumbo went and he’s crazy and that Leopard was a big one and I was thinking about sins of omission and I didn’t have the money for gas anyway so I thought-
JACQUE STANDS AND SHAKES A STRANGE RATTLE AT PERRY.
JACQUE: OU PUIS-JE ACHETER DES TIMBRES-POSTE!
PERRY: AUGH! NO! NEVER MIND! IT’S ALL MY FAULT! I PERISH IN FLAMES!
PERRY RUNS FROM THE CHAPEL CRYING, KNOCKING OVER CHAIRS AS HE GOES. MURRAY STEPS UP TO JACQUE.
MURRAY: Don’t worry, Reverend. He’s kind of unique in our family.
MEG ENTERS THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY PHIL AND OTTO, WHO HELP GRANDMA INTO THE ROOM.
REGGIE: Is that my dear old grandmother?
GRANDMA: Reggie! Is that Reggie?
REGGIE: (standing) It’s me, Grandma! I’ve come home!
GRANDMA PUSHES OTTO AND PHIL AWAY, PICKS UP A CHAIR AND HEAVES IT AT REGGIE.
GRANDMA: You worthless louse!
SHE PICKS UP ANOTHER CHAIR AS PHIL AND OTTO TRY TO RESTRAIN HER.
GRANDMA: (squinting) Where’d he go?
HER EYES SETTLE ON MURRAY.
GRANDMA: A funeral for three today!!
DESPITE THE BEST EFFORTS OF PHIL AND OTTO, GRANDMA SMACKS MURRAY WITH THE CHAIR. HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR, UNCONSCIOUS.
PHIL: Please, Grannie!
GRANDMA’S ATTENTION IS SUDDENLY CAPTURED BY THE COFFIN AT THE FRONT OF THE CHAPEL.
GRANDMA: Oh! Oleg! My Oleg!
AS SHE STAGGERS OVER TO THE COFFIN, MEG TAKES MARTY BY THE ARM.
MEG: What happened to Perry? I thought I saw him run out of the chapel?
MARTY: He’s going to hell.
GRANDMA REACHES THE COFFIN AND LIFTS THE LID.
GRANDMA: Who put him in a tux! He wanted to be buried in the velvet blazer!
PHIL: Grandmother, I’m sorry, I didn’t know-
GRANDMA PULLS GUMBO’S CAN OUT OF THE COFFIN.
GRANDMA: Phil! I told you he wanted venison! Venison and his rifle!
MEG: No, mother! That’s Gumbo!
GRANDMA STICKS HER FINGER IN THE CAN THEN SNIFFS IT.
GRANDMA: That’s no gumbo.
MEG: Not the food. The proper noun. Gumbo.
GRANDMA TAKES A CLOSE LOOK AT THE CAN. SHE SNIFFS.
GRANDMA: Gumbo, eh? Well, they didn’t do a very good job on him! Still smells like him, though!
SHE DROPS THE CAN BACK IN THE COFFIN AND LETS THE LID SLAM.
GRANDMA: OK, let’s get this thing started.
EVERYONE MOVES AROUND TO SIT DOWN. MURRAY IS STILL SPRAWLED ON THE FLOOR. MEG LEANS OVER TO OTTO.
MEG: Otto, would you fetch Murray, dear?
OTTO PICKS UP MURRAY AND SITS HIM IN A CHAIR. MURRAY SLUMPS OVER HIS KNEES. JACQUE MOVES TO THE FRONT OF THE CHAPEL AND STANDS AT THE PULPIT, FACING THE FAMILY. EVERYONE SHUFFLES IN THEIR CHAIRS, THEN SIT STILL. MEG GIVES THE ‘OK’ THUMBS UP.
OTTO: Come on preacher!
JACQUE WITHDRAWS A SMALL BAG FROM WITHIN HIS ROBES AND HOLDS IT IN THE AIR. EVERYONE LOOKS AT EACH OTHER, CURIOUSLY.
JACQUE: POUVEZ-VOUS FAIRE CETTE ORDONNANCE A L’INSTANT!
OTTO: AMEN! BRING IT ON PREACHER!
JACQUE WAVES HIS ARMS IN THE AIR. PHIL LEANS OVER TO OTTO.
PHIL: What are you doing?
OTTO: BRING IT TO US, PREACHER-MAN!
PHIL TURNS FORWARD AGAIN.
PHIL: I BELIEVE!
JACQUE STEPS DOWN FROM THE PULPIT AND OPENS THE COFFIN. HE SPRINKLES THE CONTENTS ON THE BODY AS HE SPEAKS.
JACQUE: JE VEUX ME FAIRE RASER! JE VEUX ME FAIRE CIRER LES SOULIERS!
GRANDMA: I’ve got something to say!
JACQUE: POUVEZ-VOUS ME DONNER UNE PERMANENTE!
GRANDMA: Stuff it, holy man. It’s my turn. Now-
GRANDMA AUTHORATIVELY GRABS THE PULPIT AND PUSHES JACQUE OUT OF THE WAY.
GRANDMA: In the last month since Grandpa died, I’ve been doing a lot of thinkin-
OTTO: He died a month ago?
MARTY: Pipe down!
MEG LEANS OVER TO OTTO.
OTTO: Fill me in.
MEG: We had to keep him frozen for a while. Legal reasons.
OTTO: Legal reasons?
MEG: There was an investigation. Someone tried to vandalize the body.
EVERYONE IS STARING AT THEM.
GRANDMA: Are you done yet?
MEG: Sorry, mum.
GRANDMA: So, as I was saying, if they want to use my tax money on that pile of garbadge, let em choke on it! You with me, preacher?
JACQUE HOLDS TWO HUMAN SKULLS IN THE AIR.
JACQUE: JE VOUDRAIS VOIR UNE ROBE, UNE BLOUSE, ET DES BAS!
OTTO: You were talkin’ about Grandpa!
JACQUE: ET DES BAS! ET DES BAS!
GRANDMA: Oh yes. How fondly I remember the days long ago….Grandpa and I were one of the first couples to settle in this area. Course, we weren’t dairy farmers like the others. Grandpa was a lounge singer. He worked nights in Rockford while I did road construction during the day-
REGGIE IS FURIOUSLY WRITING ON A PIECE OF PAPER. GRANDMA STOPS.
GRANDMA: Am I not interesting? What are you doing? Who is that?
OTTO: That’s Reggie, Grandma.
GRANDMA: What?
GRANDMA PICKS UP ANOTHER CHAIR AND MOVES TO THROW. JACQUE THROWS A BAG OF POWDER AT HER. SHE COUGHS AND DROPS THE CHAIR.
PHIL: Amen!
GRANDMA STANDS AGAIN AT THE PULPIT.
GRANDMA: You listen to me! (to the Reverend) I’ll deal with you later. (back to crowd) Well, the singing wasn’t making us any money, and when I was laid off after I started a fight with my team boss, well, we were under a lot of stress. That’s when Oleg took to wandrin the neighbors pastures and shooting cows. And that’s why I love him.
GRANDMA LEAVES THE PULPIT CONFIDENTLY AND SITS DOWN. JACQUE MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE PULPIT, HOLDING A CHICKEN. REGGIE STANDS.
REGGIE: Hold on, your holiness. I’d like to-
MARTY STANDS.
MARTY: Sit down. I have something to say-
MARTY MOVES TO THE FRONT AND PUSHES JACQUE ASIDE. JACQUE PULLS OUT A MACHETE AND HOLDS IT IN THE AIR.
JACQUE: PUIS-JE ESCOMPTER UNE LETTRE DE CREDIT ICI!
A SHOTGUN BLAST (SOUND EFFECT) MAKES EVERYONE JUMP. JACQUE DROPS THE MACHETE AND THE CHICKEN AND JUMPS THROUGH ONE OF THE WINDOWS . (INSERT SOUND EFFECT OF GLASS BREAKING) THE CHICKEN RUNS WHEREVER, POSSIBLY INTO THE AUDIENCE. A TALL MAN IN OUTDOOR GEAR ENTERS THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY A SLEAZY LOOKING WOMAN IN A RED SEQUINED DRESS. THE MAN, NIGEL, BRANDISHES A SMOKING SHOTGUN AND HOLDS A SKUNK.
MEG: Oh, no.
NIGEL: Nasty thing was tryin’ to get in the door!
GRANDMA: What is that smell?
NIGEL TOSSES THE SKUNK STAGE LEFT AND WALKS UP TO HUG GRANDMA. HIS CONCUBINE FOLLOWS.
NIGEL: Mother! Sorry I’m late! We were delayed. In hot pursuit of a squirrel!
PHIL: A squirrel?
NIGEL: So we thought. Turned out to be a rock. Still pegged it at 120 yards, though.
NIGEL SPOTS MURRAY SLUMPED OVER IN HIS CHAIR. HE WALKS OVER AND SHAKES HIM VIOLENTLY.
NIGEL: Hey, pretty-boy! You figure out how to ditch cops yet? Ha! Ha!
MURRAY GROGGILY SITS UP.
MURRAY: Nigel. Lovely.
NIGEL: Good to see you, too, you sack of-
MEG: Please! Let’s go on with the funeral. Marty, dear, didn’t you have something to say?
NIGEL AND WANDA SIT. NIGEL STILL HASN’T NOTICED REGGIE.
MARTY: Well, I just wanted to say that I’m glad that Dad taught me to shoot stuff.
MARTY STANDS QUIETLY AT THE PULPIT, STARING AT THE FAMILY.
MARTY: That’s it.
ANOTHER MOMENT OF SILENCE, THEN PHIL STARTS TO CLAP. GRADUALLY THE ENTIRE FAMILY BEGINS TO APPLAUD. MARTY SITS DOWN. PHIL RUNS UP TO THE PULPIT BEFORE REGGIE HAS A CHANCE TO GET UP.
PHIL: That was great, Marty. Uh, I’ll always remember Grandpa Oleg for the time that we went up to Yellowstone. It was right after he bought me my first gun-
OTTO: TESTIFY!
PHIL: Amen! Uh, anyway, we spent a whole week up there, just me and Murray and him. Oh yeah, wasn’t Perry there, too?
HE LOOKS TO MURRAY, WHO IS STILL RUBBING HIS HEAD. MURRAY LOOKS UP AND NODS PAINFULLY.
PHIL: Yeah, that’s right. Perry had to leave early after he got that rash. Grandpa wanted to do more hunting, so he kept all our guns while me and Murray took Perry out of the backcountry to get some help. I still remember the three of us floating down that river on the way to the ranger station. Hey Murray, you remember that kid we met on the way? The one with the banjo?
MURRAY IS SLUMPED OVER IN HIS CHAIR AGAIN, HIS FACE BURIED IN HIS HANDS.
GRANDMA: On with it!
PHIL: Oh, sorry. Yeah, so that’s one of my favorite memories of Grandpa. I’m going to miss him.
OTTO CLAPS. PHIL STEPS AWAY FROM THE PULPIT AND REGGIE JUMPS UP OUT OF HIS SEAT.
REGGIE: Alright! Now it’s my turn!
NIGEL: (in horror) REGGIE!
NIGEL STANDS AND TURNS TO SEE REGGIE NEXT TO MEG. HE POINTS HIS GUN AT REGGIE AS MEG JUMPS IN THE WAY.
MEG: NO NIGEL!
NIGEL: What’s he doing here?
MEG: He wanted to be with us!
NIGEL: He’s a weirdo!
REGGIE STANDS.
REGGIE: I have something to say. It’s very important.
MEG: Can we please let him talk?
NIGEL STILL HAS HIS WEAPON TRAINED ON REGGIE.
NIGEL: Go ahead. Let him talk. I’ve got a good bead on him.
MEG SITS WITH A HEAVY SIGH. REGGIE MAKES HIS WAY UP TO THE PULPIT.
PHIL: Come on, preacher!
OTTO HITS PHIL.
OTTO: No, idiot!
REGGIE: Well, I’ve got a prepared statement here. (he flattens a folded piece of paper on the pulpit) I came here today for more than one reason. Of course, first of all, I came here for Grandpa. I always loved Grandpa. He-
PHIL: You never loved grandpa.
NIGEL: Careful, kid!
GRANDMA: (squinting at the front) Is that Reggie?
SHE GRABS A CHAIR WITH BOTH HANDS.
PHIL: No, Grandma. Uh, that’s Perry.
SHE LETS GO AND SITS QUIETLY.
REGGIE: I did love Grandpa! I loved how whenever I’d visit as a kid, he’d take me aside and sing "Unforgettable," or "My Way," or "House of the Rising Sun." I used to love that!
REGGIE STEPS BACK FROM THE PULPIT AND MOVES IN FRONT OF THE COFFIN.
REGGIE: Sometimes Grandpa would read the comic pages to me, and when the other grandkids were over, we’d play kick the can and blackjack.
REGGIE HAS TURNED AND IS LOOKING AT GRANDPA’S CORPSE, NOW COVERED IN SOME STRANGE VOODOO DUST.
REGGIE: I may not have agreed with all of his views, but I still loved him. In fact, I wrote this poem in tribute to him.
REGGIE TURNS BACK TO THE FAMILY. NIGEL HAS LOWERED HIS GUN. REGGIE PULLS OUT THE PAPER.
REGGIE: My Grandpa’s name is Oleg,
He died not long ago,
To keep him for the funeral,
They packed him in some snow.
He came here many years ago,
He brought my grandma too,
And not long after moving in,
He sang to pay for food.
He crooned to all the ladies,
While grandma worked the roads,
They had it rough in those days,
At times they’d eat some toads.
GRANDMA: BOOOO!
MEG: Shhhhhh!
REGGIE: At times I sit among the trees,
And think back on the past-
MARTY: Get on with it!
REGGIE STOPS AND FOLDS THE PAPER. HE GLARES AT MARTY. NIGEL LOOKS DOWN AT WANDA AND SNIFFS.
NIGEL: That was beautful.
WANDA NODS.
REGGIE: But today I also came to make the peace. I know it will take time, but I want to be a part of this family again.
OBSCURED TO THE FAMILY, BUT VISIBLE TO THE AUDIENCE, REGGIE’S LEFT HAND IS INSIDE THE COFFIN, MOVING AROUND.
REGGIE: I parted ways with the Sons of Shrubbery, and I want to be welcome in my home.
MEG: Oh Reggie! Of course!
MARTY: Don’t be such a sucker, Meg.
REGGIE IS PULLING ON SOMETHING IN THE CASKET, AND IS TRYING TO HIDE HIS STRESS FROM THE FAMILY.
REGGIE: I mean it, Dad. I’m not a part of that group anymore. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get into poaching-
NIGEL: Hunting-
REGGIE: Hunting right away, but I’ll work on it. I’ll do my best-ARGH!
REGGIE WHIPS AROUND TO FACE THE COFFIN AND JERKS HIS HAND OUT PAINFULLY.
REGGIE: There’s something in there!
NIGEL JUMPS UP AND RUNS TO THE FRONT OF THE CHAPEL. HE PUSHES REGGIE ASIDE AND PEERS INSIDE THE COFFIN.
NIGEL: Hey! Come here, you bugger!
NIGEL PUTS HIS HANDS INSIDE THE COFFIN AND WITHDRAWS A CAT. (OBVIOUSLY STUFFED)
MEG: Hey, it’s Malcolm!
REGGIE: Malcolm?
MEG HOPS UP AND TAKES THE CAT FROM NIGEL.
MEG: It’s Grandpa’s cat, dear.
REGGIE: Grandpa had a cat?
MEG: Of course. You must have scared him.
NIGEL: He never did take to environmentalists.
MEG: (to stuffed cat) Did Reggie scare you? Did he? Did he?
BY THIS TIME THE FAMILY IS GATHERED AROUND THE COFFIN TO LOOK AT THE CAT. REGGIE IS SLIDING TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE GROUP.
MEG: Alright. Everyone sit down. I think it’s time to read the will.
EVERYONE MOVES BACK TO THEIR CHAIRS. REGGIE IS TRYING TO INCONSPICUOUSLY MOVE TO THE BACK DOOR, BUT NIGEL GRABS HIM BY THE ARM.
NIGEL: Don’t be scared, kid. Sit here by Wanda.
NIGEL PUSHES REGGIE INTO A CHAIR NEXT TO WANDA, WHO SMILES. NIGEL SITS ON REGGIE’S OTHER SIDE. MEG STANDS AT THE PULPIT WITH THE WILL.
MEG: Alright, now. Well, this has been a very significant day, hasn’t it? I’m glad all of you could come, and I hope that you will find it in your hearts to forgive Reggie and welcome him back.
THE FAMILY TURNS AND LOOKS AT REGGIE, SOME WITH INSINCERE SMILES, OTHERS WITH COLD STARES. NIGEL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND REGGIE, WANDA PUTS HER HAND ON HIS LEG.
MEG: OK, now as I read this, I don’t want any complaining, or any fighting. We all remember what happened last year at Uncle Gerald’s funeral. I don’t want any police this time.
GRANDMA: Am I getting the Caddy or not?
MEG FLATTENS THE WILL ON THE PULPIT AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
MEG: Alright, "I Oleg Cedrick Shultz, being of sound mind, do impart the following items to friends and family members upon the event of my death-
GRANDMA: Come on Caddy!
OTTO: Come on, preacher!
MEG: My collection of Civil War antiques, including General Robert E. Lee’s pants will go to Phillip Bloomfield.
PHIL AND OTTO HUG.
MEG: My collection of firearms will be divided as specified evenly between my two sons, Nigel and Marty.
MARTY AND NIGEL HI-FIVE.
MEG: My Led Zeppelin albums will be divided as follows. Albums 1-4, Houses of the Holy, and Presence will go to Murray Shultz. The Coda album will go to Otto Shultz.
OTTO: Crap.
MEG: Ten thousand dollars will be donated to the Freeport YMCA towards the construction of new toilet facilities, to be named after the donor.
EVERYONE EXCHANGES PUZZLED LOOKS.
MEG: To my grandson Perry, I leave my crocheting materials and my autographed copy of ‘The Communist Manifesto.’
OTTO LEANS OVER TO MURRAY.
OTTO: If he goes to hell, I get dibs on the book.
MEG: My 1959 Cadillac El Dorado will go to my dear friend, Quentin Fitzpatrick.
GRANDMA LEAPS TO HER FEET.
GRANDMA: (enraged) Quentin died six months ago!
MEG: It says here that you get the house, Grandma.
GRANDMA: I DON’T CARE! I WANT THE CADDY!
SHE BENDS OVER AND TRIES TO PICK UP A CHAIR, BUT PHIL RESTRAINS HER.
MEG: All my trophies will remain at home with my wife, save for my stuffed Siberian Tiger, which will go to Henry Kissenger.
GRANDMA: That does it!
GRANDMA PULLS OUT OF PHIL’S GRASP AND MOVES TO THE PULPIT.
MEG: All other possesions will be auctioned off to local chapters of the National Rifle Association-
GRANDMA: Give me that!
GRANDMA TRIES TO SNATCH THE WILL AWAY FROM MEG. THEY ENGAGE IN A VIOLENT TUG OF WAR AS EVERYONE WATCHES TENTATIVELY. FINALLY, IN A BURST OF ENERGY, GRANDMA JERKS THE WILL SO HARD THAT SHE THROWS MEG AGAINST THE PULPIT, WHICH FALLS FORWARD, KNOCKING OVER THE COFFIN AND SPILLING OLEG’S BODY ON THE GROUND.
GRANDMA: OLEG!
EVERYONE FREEZES IN HORROR. THEN MARTY AND NIGEL RUN FORWARD AND PICK UP THE COFFIN. THEY SET IT BACK ON IT’S STAND, THEN BEND OVER TO PICK UP OLEG. PHIL PICKS UP THE TIN CAN.
PHIL: Don’t forget Gumbo.
NIGEL AND MARTY PAUSE BEFORE LIFTING OLEG.
NIGEL: Marty, is something missing?
MARTY: What do you mean?
THEY PICK UP THE BODY.
NIGEL: Dad’s ivory dentures. They’re gone!
GRANDMA SCREAMS. THE BODY IS DROPPED.
MARTY: They were there before the service!
NIGEL: REGGIE!
EVERYONE WHIRLS AND LOOKS AT REGGIE. REGGIE HAS A HORRIFIED LOOK ON HIS FACE. HE TURNS AND BOLTS FOR THE DOOR JUST AS PERRY STAGGERS INSIDE, SOAKING WET AND COVERED IN MUD AND FOLIAGE. THEY COLLIDE AND PERRY GRABS REGGIE BY THE COLLAR.
PERRY: I’LL REPENT, REGGIE! SURELY THEY WILL FORGIVE!
REGGIE: Well-
NIGEL GRABS REGGIE AND HAULS HIM TO HIS FEET.
NIGEL: FRAUD! TURNCOAT! VANDAL!
REGGIE: I was right! The dentures are an abomination!
GRANDMA: You’re an abomination!
NIGEL: LET’S BURN HIM AT THE STAKE!
MURRAY: Didn’t you learn last time, Nigel?
NIGEL TURNS TO MURRAY.
NIGEL: You have a problem with something, kid?
MURRAY: I’m tired of you causing trouble!
NIGEL: I didn’t steal your Grandpa’s teeth!
MURRAY: THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULD BURN MY BROTHER AT THE STAKE!
MEG: PLEASE! CALM DOWN-
PERRY: STOP! IT’S MY FAULT!
MARTY SLAPS PERRY. GRANDMA PICKS UP A CHAIR AND PUMMELS REGGIE. NIGEL GRABS MURRAY AND THE TWO WRESTLE EACH OTHER TO THE FLOOR. EVERYONE ELSE TRIES TO BREAK UP THE SCUFFLES BUT WIND UP FIGHTING EACH OTHER IN A WILD RIOT.
MEG: ENOUGH!
MEG RUNS OUT OF THE CHAPEL.WANDA HITS MURRAY WITH HER PURSE. PHIL PULLS AT GRANDMA, WHO IS TRYING TO BEAT REGGIE WITH ANYTHING WITHIN GRASP. NIGEL IS ON THE GROUND WITH MURRAY’S HANDS ON HIS NECK. OTTO IS TRYING TO RESTRAIN MARTY FROM PERRY, WHO IS SITTING ON THE GROUND, CRYING.
FROM STAGE LEFT, JACQUE THE VOODOO PRIEST ENTERS THE CHAPEL AGAIN AND APPROACHES OTTO. OTTO LETS GO OF MARTY, WHO GRABS PERRY AND SHAKES HIM. OTTO PULLS OUT HIS WALLET AND BEGINS COUNTING OUT BILLS TO JACQUE. JACQUE TAKES THE MONEY AND OTTO TRIES AGAIN TO RESTRAIN MARTY. JACQUE FINDS A CHAIR, SITS DOWN, AND COUNTS HIS BILLS. BY THIS TIME MOST OF THE CHAIRS HAVE BEEN OVERTURNED, THE LARGER STUFFED ANIMALS HAVE BEEN KNOCKED OVER, AND NIGEL AND MURRAY ARE TANGLED UP WITH OLEG’S BODY, STILL TRYING TO CHOKE ONE ANOTHER. MEG RE-ENTERS THE ROOM, FOLLOWED BY THE DETECTIVE AND TWO POLICE OFFICERS.
MEG: I’m so sorry, Dave. I had hoped we could pull it off this time.
DETECTIVE: That’s OK, Meg. At least there weren’t any fires this year.
MEG: I really appreciate it.
DETECTIVE: Alright everyone! Break it up! Police!
THE DETECTIVE AND THE OFFICERS MOVE INTO THE ROOM AND GRADUALLY SEPARATE THE FIGHTS. THEY HANDCUFF GRANDMA AND MARTY. JACQUE HAS PICKED UP GUMBO’S CAN AND IS SNIFFING THE INSIDE, CURIOUSLY. THE TWO OFFICERS SEPARATE NIGEL AND MURRAY, THEN HANDCUFF EACH. THE DETECTIVE POINTS AT OLEG’S BODY.
DETECTIVE: Better get him, too.
MEG: Oh, wait-
ONE OF THE OFFICERS CUFFS OLEG’S BODY AND DRAGS IT TO IT’S FEET. GRANDMA, MARTY, MURRAY, AND NIGEL ARE LED OUTSIDE. OLEG’S BODY IS CARRIED OUT. MEG AND REGGIE STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. JACQUE IS STILL ADMIRING THE CAN. WANDA WATCHES HIM. PHIL AND OTTO ARE CHECKING EACH OTHER’S WOUNDS. PERRY SITS ON THE GROUND SMELLING SOME OF THE FLOWERS. MEG GLARES AT REGGIE AND REACHES OUT HER HAND.
REGGIE: It’s still wrong.
REGGIE PULLS OUT A PAIR OF SHINY WHITE DENTURES AND HANDS THEM TO MEG.
MEG: Thank you.
THEY STAND QUIETLY FOR A MOMENT.
MEG: So did you mean any of that stuff you said?
REGGIE DOESN’T RESPOND.
MEG: Forget it. I don’t want to know.
SHE MOVES TOWARDS THE DOOR.
MEG: Come on, let’s go get a burger.
SHE EXITS WITH REGGIE. JACQUE DROPS THE CAN AND FOLLOWS THEM.
FADE TO BLACK.