THE MISSIONARY EPIC

EXT-OVERLOOK OF VALLEY-EARLY MORNING

Long pan shot of early morning sunrise. In the background, the Door’s "The End" plays softly. We see a shot of an apartment building, gradually zooming to a third floor window.

INT-APARTMENT BUILDING

Inside shot slowly moving through kitchen and through two bedrooms.

As we come to the second bedroom, we slowly move inside, "the end" slowly fades out as we focus on an alarm clock on the dresser.

The alarm clock rings, and as two missionaries bound gleefully out of bed, pause on their knees, and begin doing calisthenics, the light refrain of Vivaldi’s "Spring" plays in the background.

The camera moves outward, exiting the second bedroom and enters the first. The camera zooms in on yet another alarm clock, this one rings much louder, triggering the first bars of Jimi Hendrix’s "All along the Watchtower" as Ben’s arm reaches out from under the covers and throws the clock against the wall. He slides out of bed and faceplants on the floor. Struggling, he drags himself to his knees and slides over to the bed of his companion-at this point still an unmoving mass beneath tattered covers.

Ben grabs the covers and drags them off to reveal Josh, sporting a full beard and half dressed in pros’.

Shot changes to Josh’s point of view as Ben leans over him, trying to rouse. Josh’s hands reach up and grasp Ben by the throat as we cut to the next shot.

Good Missionaries finish doing push-ups. finish with a hi-five.

Ben opens fridge in kitchen, looks around cautiously, then withdraws a 2-liter of Coke from behind bottle of OJ. He begins guzzling, only to be caught by a good missionary who catches him and is shocked.

Quick shot of clock-reads 7:15

Good companionship getting dressed, looking sharp.

Ben in bathroom, shaving cream splattered hap hazardly across face, which is pressed against mirror as he sleeps standing up, razor still pressed against face.

Good missionaries are now fixing a gourmet breakfast.

Bad companionship is in bed, Ben propped on elbow attempting to read scriptures.

Good companions sitting on upright chairs reading scriptures, studying fervently..

Bad missionaries are now both asleep.

Shot of clock-9:27

Good companions pick up bags and head out door in "Called to Serve" fashion.

Shot of clock-10:15

Ben walks back into bedroom, wearing all pros save for shoes and tie. He grasps a bag of potatoe chips in one hand and a fire extinguisher in the other. Setting the chips down, he tears off Josh’s covers and sprays him liberally with the extinguisher. Josh slowly sits up, still covered in foam.

Ben

Come on, let’s go to Murray’s.

EXT-MURRAY’S HOUSE-10:34AM

Josh and Ben stand on front doorstep, waiting and knocking.

Ben:

Maybe he’s gone.

Josh:

Murray opens the door and goes back inside without a word. Ben and Josh enter, closing door behind them.

INT-MURRAY’S HOUSE

Murray sits back on couch and turns up TV. Ben and Josh sit opposite, Ben trying to avoid watching, Josh making considerably less effort. Ben hits Josh, who jerks away from TV and sighs.

Josh:

So have you read any?

Murray:

Read what? (still looking at TV)

Josh:

Book of Mormon.

Murray:

Yeah.

Josh:

What did you read?

Murray:

(still looking at TV) what?

Ben:

How much did you read?

Murray:

A little.

INT-ANOTHER LIVING ROOM-SAME TIME

The good missionaries are practicing baptism with one of their investigators.

INT-MURRAY’S HOUSE

Josh

What did you read?

Murray:

Something in the beginning. About.....John Smith.

Josh:

You didn’t read, did you?

Murray:

(still staring at TV) yeah.

Josh gets up and stands in front of the TV.

Murray:

Hey!

Josh:

Do you want to hear a discussion?

Murray:

No.

Josh:

Why not?

Murray:

I’m too busy.

Josh:

You’re watching TV.

Murray:

I’m tired.

Josh sighs and walks into kitchen, starts going through cupboards.

Ben:

(leaning forward) Murray, Is there a reason you don’t want to hear a discussion?

Murray:

(looks at Ben like he’s an imbecile) look, I’m not in the mood.

Ben:

So what you’re saying is...today just isn’t a good day-

Josh:

(emerging from room with bag of pretzels) He’s not interested. Come on.

Ben and Josh move to door, Josh turns to Murray.

Josh:

When you want to take this seriously, give us a call.

Murray:

I don’t have your number.

Josh rolls eyes and walks out door. Ben points.

Ben:

It’s on those pamphlets.

Murray opens crisp, untouched Book of Mormon. Within are a stack of discussion pamphlets. Murray looks at them for the first time.

Murray:

Oh, OK. Talk to you later, then. (door closes. Murray goes back to watching TV)

EXT-MURRAY’S DRIVEWAY

Ben walks down to end of driveway to meet Josh.

Ben:

Well, what do we have today?

Josh opens blue planner. Totally blank save for dinner appointment.

Josh:

Ben:

So what do we do now?

Josh:

I don’t know, man. We’ve tracted everything around here three times over.

Ben:

Well, we could just walk around, contact anyone we run into.

Ben and Josh turn, see empty streets as far as the eye can see. Sagebrush rolls across street in the distance.

Josh:

OK.

EXT-SUBURBAN STREETS-MONTAGE

Music starts, "I’m Walkin’ " by Fat’s Domino. Josh and Ben walk up and down several streets. Also include shots of them walking in forest, other desolate areas. Occaisionally they try to stop someone as they are walking in their front door or driving away in their car. Eventually they come to a church.

Ben:

Think anything’s going on inside?

Josh:

Could be.

They walk towards church. Cut in with James Brown-Holy Roller church segment from ‘The Blues Brothers’.

Josh and Ben exit to street.

Ben:

That was pretty cool.

Josh:

Yep.

Ben:

(looks at watch.) Hey! It’s 11:30! Mail!

Ben and Josh run down street.

INT-MISSIONARY APARTMENT

Ben and Josh walk in and face pile of mail on table. Josh collapses on couch as Ben eagerly dives in, sorting packages and letters out for the good missionaries. Eventually he separates three letters.

Ben:

Well, I got my publisher’s clearing house numbers and a letter from my Bishop.

Josh:

Oh, joy. How about me?

Ben:

You got a letter from Wanda.

Josh leaps to his feet and snatches the letter from Ben.

Ben:

Feels like there’s a picture inside.

Josh:

Man! gimme that! I haven’t heard from her in two weeks!

Josh eagerly rips open letter. He reads feverishly, then slumps in his chair.

He stares at the wall, letter dangling in his hand as the Godfather theme begins.

Ben:

Hey, what’s wrong?

Ben takes the letter, reads briefly, then removes a wedding announcement and accompanying photo from the envelope.

Ben:

He’s a good-looking guy.

Josh stands, with a nasty look at Ben. He turns and faces the wall, frustrated.

As the 2001 theme begins, Ben throws the letter aside and stands determinately.

Ben:

Josh turns, a determined look on his face.

Josh:

Let’s finish this.

INT-MISSIONARIES’ BATHROOM

Rocky theme begins as we see Josh standing in front of mirror covered in shaving cream.

Josh looks up, suddenly shaven.

Josh hands over cords and fish tie in exchange for regular clothes. Ben takes old duds and throws out window. Shot of Josh standing in doorway, dressed as a normal missionary in everything but tie. Ben enters from side hands Josh tie. Josh clips on.

Ben and Josh hi’five and run out apartment building.

EXT-ROAD

They hop on bikes and ride into road. Mike runs over Josh with truck.

INT-GOOD MISSIONARY’S CAR

WE CUT TO SHOT OF GOOD MISSIONARIES DRIVING LUXURY MISSION CAR. ELDER #1 DRIVES AS ELDER #2 TALKS ON CELL PHONE. THEY HAVE CONVERSATION DIRECTLY OUT OF MISSIONARY GUIDE.

EXT-ROAD OUTSIDE MISSIONARY APARTMENT

Ben picks Josh up they ride by as people throw rocks, bottles and hangers. Chased down dirt road by Mike’s truck as "rebel rouser" plays.

Eventually Josh and Ben stop.

Ben:

OK, let’s tract. (Begin "Green Onions")

Ben and Josh encounter the following while tracting.

-several door slams

-man in turban, shaking head

-man holding axe

-cross dresser

-little kid shaking head

-person gives them money

GOOD MISSIONARIES SHOWN KNOCKING ON DOOR. DOOR SWINGS WIDE TO REVEAL FAMILY OF FOUR DRESSED IN WHITE

EXT-ANOTHER SUBURBAN STREET

Ben and Josh stand at the top of yet another suburban street. Everyone outside is dancing to weird disco-type beat. One particularly colorful character becons them to his home.

As Ben and Josh reach porch, the front door swings wide to reveal a long hall.

INT-HOUSE

At the end of the hall stands a pastor with a long robe and a huge bible. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly plays in the background. Josh and Ben exchange look, step inside, and door closes.

EXT-HOUSE

Cut to Josh and Ben leaving home, hair frizzled, clothes tattered, dazed looks on their faces. They walk down the road, past their bikes, seemingly unaware of where they are.

More shots of them walking. Suddenly they find themselves in the woods. Ben and Josh look distraught. They turn to face 25 native warriors in war paint and loin cloths. Indiana Jones chase begins set to Tarzan theme.

Shot of Ben and Josh running over the top of a hill, followed by tribe. Shot of an idling car with a young boy at the wheel.

Ben:

Jaque! Jaque! Start the engine!

Ben and Josh jump in the car.

Jaque:

Hang on ewdurs! We go fo wride!

Car peels out and cruises away, natives in pursuit.

EXT-MEMBER HOUSE

Josh and Ben approach front door. Inside shot of dad calmly reading paper, Mom in kitchen, Led Zeppelin playing on radio.

Ben rings doorbell, sudden inside shot of dad dropping newspaper-alarmed look on face.

Entire family bursts into flurry of action-

-taking cat off table

-Turn off TV

-Turn off Led Zeppelin, put on motab.

-Take down evil picture, hang up temple picture

-10 year old in towel runs into room, slams door

-family hides 6-packs of Pepsi, Mt.Dew, Dr.Pepper

Mom answers door:

MOM

Hello Elders! Hungry?

Josh and Ben:

Yes, Ma’am.

Mom:

You look like you boys have had a rough day.

Josh:

Just serving the lord, ma’am.

They step inside. Mom takes backpacks, pulling arrow out of Ben’s bag.

Everyone comes in and sits at the dining room table. Josh sits and looks across table to see teenage daughter. They stare. Josh suddenly very nervous.

Mom:

I tried a brand new casserole tonight. You boys are my guinea pigs (laugh).

Ben smiles weakly, trying to look positive. Josh just stares.

Mom sets down inhumane-looking dish that appears to be moving at one end. Also sets down milk, corn, and jello that contains radish slices and rasins. Dad says grace. Mom scoops out casserole, holding towards Elders and says "Let’s dig in!"

GOOD MISSIONARY DINNER SCENE OPENS AS TURKEY IS PLACED ON TABLE BEFORE THEM. TABLE PILED WITH VAST AMOUNTS OF FOOD. STANDARD MEMBER FAMILY LINES TABLE. TWO NON-MEMBER GUESTS SIT AT FAR END OF TABLE. AS THEY ARE INTRODUCED, THEY ASK-"HOW CAN WE BE

BAPTIZED?"

Later in meal, Dad feasting furiously, kid playing in food, daughter staring at Josh, Ben and Josh picking cautiously at food. Mom making conversation.

Mom:

So how long have you boys been out?

Ben:

Three months on Tuesday.

Josh:

A little over a year.

Mom:

OK, where are you from?

Ben:

Tempe, Az.

Josh:

I’m from Utah.

Dad:

Another Utahn, great. (Josh has nasty look on face.)

Kid (to Ben)

What’s your first name?

Ben:

Elder

Shot of jello hitting Ben’s face

Kid:

I’ve heard that one, stupid.

Dad stretches across table and knocks kid on floor.

Dad:

Don’t be rude, Tim. Kid’s only a greenie.

Ben looks hurt.

Under table, daughter rubs foot against Josh’s leg. He jumps, kicking table, knocking kid back to floor and dinner all over Dad.

Josh:

(somewhat stunned) sorry, sir!

Dad:

(looks at mom) I think we’re done.

Mom:

OK, why don’t we go in the living room and talk a bit?

Dad looks frustrated

Everyone moves to the living room and sits down. Ben pauses in front of a wall covered with old family photos.

Ben:

Does your family have a long church history?

Everyone but Dad displays panicked looks on faces. Dad swells with pride, looking noble, and commences an in-depth sermon on the history of the church.

Shot of Ben blinking, sits next to Josh on couch and tries to concentrate. Shots of family, very bored. Shot of Dad with american flag behind him. Shot of Josh dazed, starts at a distance and gradually zooms into extreme close-up as Dad’s voice degenerates from normal to Charlie Brown "wah wah" voice.

Shot changes to become Josh’s interior perspective. We look through his eyes as Dad’s voice continues to drone in background.

Josh stares at Dad, looks down at scriptures, looks at watch, looks at Ben, over at Mom (tired) at kid (bored) at daughter (legs crossed, staring at Josh), quickly back to scriptures, thumbing quickly, looks at watch, back at daughter (still staring), over to kid (now has shirt pulled over head to display boredom), back to daughter, long stare focused on legs, suddenly Ben is nudging Josh at bottom of screen with his knee, looks at Ben’s knee, then back to daughter’s legs, Ben kicks Josh, Josh looks at Ben, who displays horrified expression as he gets up and runs, Josh turns to see Dad lunging at him with arms outstretched.

Outside shot-Ben running down front steps, Josh thrown off porch by Dad. Ben stoops to help Josh up as Dad throws bags at them.

Shot of Josh and Ben walking down street.

Ben:

I can’t believe you did that.

Josh:

You’re still a greenie, one day it’ll happen to you.

Ben:

Not likely.

Josh:

Ben:

No-Elder!

Josh:

Yes dude, come on! (runs to home)

Ben:

(calling after Josh) That’s the guy the bishop told us not to visit!

Josh:

The spirit says yes!

Josh and Ben on porch

Ben:

Elder-(Josh knocks) I’m not even sure this guy’s a member anymore.

Josh:

You see, he needs our help.

Suddenly the door swings wide to reveal Doc Emmitt Brown. The 1985 hit "power of love" plays in the background.

Doc:

Don’t say a word!

Doc attaches a suction cup to each elder’s head.

Doc:

I will read your thoughts.

Doc grabs both by ties and drags inside. Sits missionaries down on couch in middle of mad scientist-type living room. Doc paces back and forth.

Doc:

You’re here to sell me......insurance, life insurance!

Ben:

No-

Doc:

Ben and Josh exchange look

Josh:

Bro-

Doc:

Ben:

we’re not from Greenp-

Doc:

Josh:

Doc:

Josh starts to smile

Ben:

Did you lose contact with the missionaries after you left?

Doc:

Ben turns white, Josh remains calm.

Josh:

Doc:

Shot of Ben strapped to a table, probes and electrodes everywhere. Doc standing by switch, Josh standing next to a readout, holding a notepad.

Doc:

Josh:

Should we be doing this?

Ben:

help!

Doc:

Oh yeah. Two!

Josh:

Is this safe?

Doc:

The dog was fine once his hair grew back.....Three!

Doc moves to throw switch, Josh yells No! and wrestles Doc to ground as music starts.

Josh leaps up and frees Ben. They start moving towards door, Doc grabs nearest weapon and pursues.

Josh and Ben about to leave, Ben stops.

Ben:

Doc:

Hell, no! (throws toaster at Elders)

Shot of Elders running down street.

GOOD ELDERS ENTER HOME OF INACTIVE. MAN SHOWS THEM INTO A LIBRARY WITH SHELVES OF LDS LITERATURE. "BOYS, I’VE BEEN READING A LOT LATELY, AND I’VE DECIDED I NEED TO BE ACTIVE AGAIN. WOULD YOU TEACH MY TWELVE CHILDREN?

FALSE PROPHET SCENE

Ben and Josh still walking down street.

Ben:

Josh:

Ben:

Josh:

Do you have any better ideas?

Ben looks down, they walk, music starts. Up ahead they spot a tall bearded man in a floor-length robe walking towards them with a staff in his hand. He stops and faces them.

Prophet:

You are Mormon missionaries.

Ben:

Yes! you’ve heard of us?

Prophet:

Ben:

Prophet:

What’s you’re first name?

Ben:

Elder.

Shot of Jello hitting Ben’s face Kid from dinner standing next to Prophet.

Kid:

I’ve heard that one, stupid.

Prophet knocks kid to ground.

Prophet:

Ben:

Prophet:

Josh:

uh-

Prophet:

yes?

long pause

Josh

: Do you know how to get to Jefferson street?

Prophet:

Yeah....about a quarter mile that way and two blocks left.

Josh:

Thank you.

Ben and Josh walk off.

Prophet:

(fades off)

Josh:

No, little Boshida, it must not have been in our destiny.

Ben:

Josh:

I seem to have them quite often.

Ben:

Maybe our luck would change if we followed the white handbook.

Josh:

The what?

Josh and Ben are stopped by a man pointing a gun at them.

Theif:

Looks like you boys picked the wrong time for an evening stroll. (grins)

GOOD MISSIONARIES WALKING, SINGING SELECTION FROM ‘SATURDAY’S WARRIOR. MAN PULLS THEM ASIDE-"HEY, I SAW YOU GUYS IN A VISION! YOU HAD A BLUE BOOK AND YOU WERE SINGING THAT SONG!" MAN JOINS ARMS WITH ELDERS, SINGS ALONG AS THEY WALK DOWN THE ROAD

Josh and Ben turn to a wall and assume the position as theif goes through pockets. He pulls white handbook out of Ben’s pocket.

Theif:

Hey, you can put your money in here. You got one of these too?

Josh:

What’s that?

Distant shot of theif going through pockets in foreground as good missionaries and golden contact float by in ethereal bliss.

Ben and Josh finally walk up their front walk.

Ben:

Hey, we forgot our bikes.

They turn to look at the road. Two guys ride by on their bikes. (Nelson laugh)

Ben and Josh turn and walk inside. We hear "saturday’s warrior" in other bedroom, catching glimpse of missionaries opening huge packages full of candy, food and toys.

Ben:

Josh and Ben open bedroom door to reveal empty room save for copy of New Era and Wanda’s wedding announcement photo. Ben cries in Josh’s arms as Godfather love theme introduces closing credits.

THE END